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 Post subject: Best golf jokes ever!
Unread postPosted: 21 Nov 2014 19:08 
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Joined: 17 Jul 2007 00:17
Posts: 2820
Location: Anderson, Indiana, USA
Country: United States (us)
Medals: 34 Distinguished Service Medal (2) The Bronze Star (1) Air Medal (1) Aerial Achievement Medal (1) Achievement Medal (1) American Campaign Medal (7) Asiatic/Pacific Campaign Medal (6) Europe/Africa Campaign Medal (12) WWII Victory Medal (1) Basic Training Ribbon (1) Training Instructor Ribbon (1)
One day Steve and his wife, Sorrel, were out playing golf.

Everything was going well for Steve until the 7th hole. He sliced his tee shot a mile to the right so he and his wife had to go looking for the ball. Eventually they came across a shed with the door slightly ajar, and surprisingly enough the golf ball was slap bang in the center of the floor.

And so, not wanting to drop a shot, Steve decided to play on instead of taking a penalty by dropping the ball.

Sorrell, noticing that if Steve played a good shot he could get his ball on the green, offered to hold the door open while her husband played the shot. After a lengthy period of sizing up his shot, Steve hit the ball, but struck his wife in the temple with it. She slumped down dead, instantly.

Five years later, Steve found himself on the same golf course, on the same hole, this time with his friend, Jim. So, coincidently, Steve’s tee shot took the exact same path as it did five years ago, and the ball found itself, again, slap bang in the center of the shed.

As Steve thought what to do with his shot, Jim offered to hold the door of the shed open so he could take his shot. But with a look of shock on his face, Steve replied instantly,

"Hell No!!! The last time I tried that it took me 7 shots to get on the green.”

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It’s a nice hot summer’s day and two men are playing golf on a course near a main road.

As he is about to tee off on the 10th hole one of the men notices a hearse driving slowly along the road. He stops in mid swing and places his club on the ground, turns round, faces the road and removes his hat in a solemn gesture. The second man turns round to him and says. “Come off it, it’s only a hearse.”

"But you don’t understand, it’s my wife’s funeral…”

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Two golfers are at the first tee:

Golfer one: “Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!”

Golfer two: “Great trade!”

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A husband and wife died and went to Heaven together. They were met at the gates by an angel who was to show them the place.

"Right over here we have our very own golf course."

"Wow! It’s beautiful! Can we play it now?" they both asked.

"Sure," said the angel.

So the couple began playing. It was the most beautiful course they had ever seen. Everything was perfect… the fairways, the greens, even the rough. The more they played the more the woman beamed with happiness, but she noticed her husband was becoming disheartened and angry.

"I can’t understand why you’re not happy. We’re in Heaven! We’re together! We’re playing on the most beautiful and most perfect golf course ever! What’s wrong with you?" she asked.

"If you hadn’t fed us all that damn health food, we’d have been here years ago!"

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Jim and Bob were avid golfers, faithfully playing a round of golf every Sunday. One particular Sunday, after the first few holes they found themselves waiting for two very slow playing women to move on, so that they could play the next hole.

Jim took the initiative.

Jim: “Bob, go and ask those two women in front to move over and let us pass will you? We’ll be here forever otherwise.”

Bob: “No worries mate. I won’t be a minute.”

So off trots Bob down the fairway toward the two offending women. But when he gets halfway there he suddenly stops and starts to walk back toward Jim.

Jim: “What’s the matter?”

Bob: “I can’t go down there.”

Jim: “Why not?”

Bob “Well it’s those women. One’s my wife and the other’s my mistress.”

Jim: “No worries mate. I’ll go.”

So off he goes, but when he gets halfway Jim turns around and heads back to Bob.

Bob: “Well?”

Jim: “It’s a small world.”

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Three men gathered together for a round of golf on Mother’s Day. The men were quite surprised at being “let out” for the day, and each wanted to know how the other got away from their wife.

The first man said: “I bought a dozen red roses for my wife, and she was so happy that she let me go.”

The second man said: “I purchased a diamond ring for my wife, and she was so thrilled with me that she let me go.”

The third man said: “I woke up this morning, rolled over, looked at my wife, and said to her, ‘Golf course or intercourse,’ and she said, Wear a sweater, it’s cold outside’.”

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A husband comes home from golf after dark. His wife asks where he has been. He says that after his 8am round he stopped to help a gorgeous blond with a flat tire. He went back to her place for a cool drink and ended up in the bedroom with her all afternoon.

His wife says: “You S.O.B. You played 36 holes, didn’t you?”

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A guy gets a call from the coroner, who wants to talk about his wife’s recent death.

"We were on the third hole,” the widower relates.” My wife was standing on the ladies tee about 30 yards ahead of the men’s when I hit my drive. From the sound when the ball hit her head and the way she dropped like a rock I knew immediately that she was dead. God only knows where the ball wound up.”

The coroner replies “That explains the injury to her head, but what about the Maxfli embedded in her rectum?”

"Oh,” says the man, "that was my provisional.”

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Three unmarried men were waiting to tee off when the starter walked up to them and said: “You see that beautiful blonde practicing her putting?”

"Her? Wow, she is beautiful," they all said.

"She’s a good golfer," he continued, "and would like to hook up with a group. None of the other groups will play with a woman. Can she play with you? She won’t hold you up, I promise."

They looked at each other and said: “Sure! She can join us.” Just as the starter said, the woman played well and kept up. Plus, they kept noticing, she was very attractive.

When they reached the 18th hole, she said that if she sank her 18-footer, she’d break 80 for the first time. “Guys, I’m so excited about breaking 80 that I have to tell you something. I had a great time playing with you. I can tell you all really love golf. I want you to know that I’m single and want to marry a man who loves golf as much as I do. If one of you guys can read this putt correctly and I make it, I’ll marry whichever of you was right.”

All three jumped at the opportunity. The first one looked over the putt and said: “I see it breaking 10 inches left to right.” The second looked it over from all sides and said: “No, I see it breaking eight inches right to left.”

The third man looked at the woman, looked at the ball, and said: “Pick it up. It’s good!”

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A doctor was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole in one when his cell phone rang. It was another doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The golfer told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he’d be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up finishing all 18. He finished his round, shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10.

He was jubilant, then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw his wife’s doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife’s condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted: “You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn’t you? I hope you’re proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club, your wife has been languishing in the ICU. It’s just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care. And you’ll be her care giver!”

The husband was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed. The doctor started to snicker and said: “Just kidding! She died more than two hours ago. What’d you shoot?”

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A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows."

"We went to look for them and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.

"I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was the golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it, stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. That’s when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!"

_________________
Colonel Tiger
Commanding Officer
3rd Pursuit Squadron, HELL'S ANGELS


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"The greatest danger to American freedom is a government that ignores the Constitution." -Thomas Jefferson


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